Maturity in sport, and in life, is sitting with feelings that are irrational yet unavoidable. Recognizing them and experiencing them while not letting them influence your path forward. As an athlete and engineer I emphasize data over emotion, valuing and prioritizing numbers, holding onto them. I can remember paces and performances from a decade ago. I look back on my experiences to make sense of what’s ahead. Sometime this is for the betterment of my mindset, often it is for the detriment.
As I complete my first month of “training” I haven’t gone a single step, pedal or stroke without thinking for a moment of where I was before. I’ve swam lanes down in the pool, been dropped on the bike and struggled with my return to running after years. I have to remind myself for some latitude as it’s been a while and this is just the first step. Logically I agree with myself, emotionally it’s a little different. But I understand and acknowledge if I don’t look, feel or perform a certain way it’s to be expected. More so if I don’t continue down the road what’s the alternative? I imagine many former athletes struggle and ultimately fail to return for fear of not being enough in your former shadow. This is something I can and will get over.
The second part is a little harder.. My greatest strength has always been my dedication and with consistency comes progress, but I am also a perfectionist which means good things when I have control and often very bad things when that control is lost. Looking back on a post of mine from 2013 I’m reminded of a time with less distractions when I bragged about completing 24 bricks in a month, in January!! 100% commitment, every detail to the minute!! At that time I’d also have a panic attack when something came up and would be texting my coach like it was an emergency if I caught a fever or had a conflict (which was rare at the time).
Now when I only have to do an easy 20 min run or simple swim/bike a few times a week it feels arduous, not for the challenge of the workout but the ability to fit it in with work, a relationship and other responsibilities. I’m lucky to have these “responsibilities” now. It’s a different season of life and they will continue and likely grow. I’m also learning how to be a better person and let go of some of my ADHD tendencies. To not require a coach or therapist to lean on when things seem irrationally tough. To do my best and allow that to be ok.
One of my favorite movies is “Friday Night Lights” and I love how they would tell each other “be perfect”, as if greatness is creating something flawless in the moment. That’s also a lot of pressure which is emphasized in the movie. My new catch phrase is “do the best you can” but mean that. I value these things too much to sleep in or miss out of laziness, but I will miss and when that happens my focus will be on what is the best decision to course correct. Everything right now is about starting the process and building momentum. Though it may seem emotionally tough right now to not be perfect when it’s easy, establishing the tool to adjust when it is easy will be incredibly beneficial to do so when things get harder down the road.
Well enough deep thoughts for now. One month down, a handful of swim, bike and runs in. I feel privileged and excited to be doing this again! The feeling of just running or biking with music in my ears or a little caffeine in my system, or saying hey to old friends at the pool has been wonderful. Will keep writing as it’s probably as important to me as the rest, regardless if anyone reads it.
David Welby 